"Always defend your right to heal at your own pace.
You are taking your time.
You are allowed to take your time."

A lot is coming up for me with respect to past life stuff lately.  If you see cryptic posts about “random” topics, or “Read More” links, this is why.  If you see raw posts, very unedited, with very non-linear, snapshot-style narratives, this is why as well.  Nothing is bothering me, nothing is stressing me out; I’m doing perfectly fine and am feeling very much at peace about this all.  I’m in a stage of VERY intense processing right now in my healing journey.  And writing is how I process things.

I’m choosing to post some of this on my blog at this stage because this blog is one of my outlets.  And because I use this blog, to some extent, as an archive of my experiences.  But also because much of what I’ve been learning about healing and surrender and karma and synchronicity and soul connections and all the like — everything I’ve been sharing here to help spread the love in this world — has been inspired, in fact, by a lot of this past-life “material.”  So I am willing to share this and open up a bit about this aspect of my journey.

I know the topics are sensitive.  The material in many of these posts will make reference to experiences and/or events that were — if I may employ an extraordinarily mild understatement — pretty harsh.  So feel free to skip right past these posts.  And if you do read further, please know, I am seeking no one’s sympathy.  I’m in a very good place; the universe has guided me through the (re)discovery process with a LOT of life-affirming encounters, magical connections, breathtakingly touching gestures of reconciliation.  My healing process has been filled with gifts.  For this, I am amazingly grateful.  And, in fact, it is my intention to weave this all into the memoir I am writing; I want to share it all with you someday in a much more polished, better-organized format.  I’m still working on this memoir.  But in the mean time, bits and pieces of its subplot will be emerging on Random Acts of Transit.  The past-life subplot.

It’s hard to be silent about it anymore.  I am here, and I am speaking.

Read what you wish.  :)

"Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and forgiving heart. Be the one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them."
— Marvin J. Ashton (via kvtes)

(Source: onlinecounsellingcollege)

Got an ask along these lines:

I’ve been trying to meditate to uncover past-life information lately, and I know I’m having really intense dreams.  I wake up several times a night, and I always feel like a lot of energy has moved.  However, I don’t remember anything?  Why am I not remembering anything?  And how can I change this?

The way I feel about past lives is this:  you will remember what you “need” to, if you need to, when the moment in your life is right.  This isn’t to say that we have no business poking around in our own past, but, generally, we don’t need to put our focus there.  If you want to remember things more vividly, approach your explorations with intent:  ask your guides/angels/Higher Self/the universe to present you with images, words/phrases, characters, and synchronicities that will help you unlock what you most need to know or what is in the very highest interests of your healing or of your growing into your fullest potential.

Intention generally yields more than idle curiosity.  There is nothing wrong with idle curiosity, but it can be more of a distraction than a powerful tool.  We are living now because there is something to focus on in the now.

However, of course, past lives are sometimes very relevant to the now — because everything is actually happening all at once.  If you feel fiercely drawn to exploring your past iives, follow your intuition about it.

And remember that the universe absolutely will (and does) bring you past-life information in myriad ways, as it becomes relevant to deal with it.  Most of us go through many lifetimes wherein past life information is just about entirely irrelevant to what our soul is working on, within the scope of that current life.  And that’s fine!  :)  But some of us seem to “need” to become more aware of past-life challenges in order to heal more fully, or in order to reawaken to old strengths, and so on.  In these cases, the universe absolutely assists.  And if the universe is not assisting right now?  It’s because it’s not necessary for you to focus on right now.  (Believe me:  you’re still meeting past-life companions and working out karma with them, even if you have no idea what’s going on.  We are doing this all the time.)

I’ll talk a little bit now about why recall is not always so easy:

First of all, some people go to psychics for information on their past lives.  This can be helpful, if you find a psychic you trust, but in my experience, there are limits to how much this information, externally accessed, will assist you.  Why?  Because there’s a difference between being told what you’ve been through and actually recalling it and experiencing the event within your memory (or your dreams) along with all of its attendant emotional energy.

For example, I once spontaneously recalled, very vividly, a lifetime wherein I had been trading sex for survival — and then had been punished for it.  Just before the vision hit, I was in a very energetically open state and felt suddenly FLOODED with intense shame.  Shame wasn’t something I was used to feeling.  I had no idea where the feeling was coming from.  So I asked (I was connecting with Mother Mary, actually, in that moment.), “Why do I feel so ashamed?”

And I heard, inside my head, “It’s because of what they said to you.”

What they said to me?

I just allowed those words to come — having no idea what they were referring to, not trying to make sense of them, just “allowing” the explanation to bubble up.  And then, all of a sudden, with those words, an ugly vision unfolded.  The visuals themselves were hazy, but the scene was easy for me to understand; I re-experienced myself as cowering somewhere on the floor/ground, surrounded by a group of people in some position of power, who stood over me, jeering at me and coldly humiliating me for being a “whore.”  As I sat with the “vision,” I realized that, throughout the entire duration of that past-life experience, I had been internalizing every insult through the whole nightmare, hating myself to the core, knowing it was 100% “true” that I was a “whore” (in that other life) and feeling so small and worthless and terrible because of it.  Emotionally, it was very intense; I felt wholly safe and very much loved (in large part, thanks to Mother Mary’s energy with me at the time), but I also felt the old emotions, realizing with mild detachment, I think, out of all of my lifetimes, that was the most that I EVER hated myself.  Right then, in that moment.  Again — I allowed the emotions without attaching to them.

And with that experience, in my very open frame of mind, suddenly, a LOT of details from my life made perfect sense (about experiences, interests, fears, social justice passions, even about health problems of my own).  I also very clearly understood where the fear and self-consciousness came from whenever I had contemplated the prospect of past-life regression.  Somebody, like a psychic, could’ve told me I was trading sex for survival in another life and that I’d been made to feel bad about it, sure.  But how would that have helped me to hear?  My ego (and my current-life values, worldview, and personality) would have fiercely resisted that information.  "What?  No!  That’s ridiculous!  Why would I feel bad about prostitution?!  I would never judge anyone for sex working!  That doesn’t make any sense!"

I never would have believed it.  Therefore, I never would have allowed the memory, and, therefore, I wouldn’t have been able to be helped by the memory either.

Bottom line:  sometimes, you need to unlock the memory yourself (perhaps with the help of Spirit).  And this can only happen when you’re ready.  “When you’re ready” means “when it will most serve you to know.”  And if you surround yourself with the love of “Heaven,” everything you uncover will be much, much easier to bear.  You will feel more courageous about it and be able to “allow” the memories to form within your consciousness when you feel secure and are wrapped in Divine Love.

So one note:  allowing.  Remember that you were a very different person in another life.  So was everyone else you know.  Suspend all judgments.  You don’t know how those people used to think/act, what motivated them, and so on.  Every lifetime is another role we play in this grand cosmic theater.  If you receive a psychic impression, just accept it.  You don’t have to believe it, or internalize it, or ruminate on it, but just don’t dismiss your intuition right off the bat.  You’ll be surprised (and awed) as you start to notice the universe confirming these details for you.  And they’re only coming up — irrelevant as they might seem in their moment — because they are capable of shedding much light on things.  Don’t tell yourself you’re “only imagining” it.  Don’t cling, don’t obsess over the details either, but just allow, allow, with nothing but love and compassion for anyone who might have been involved, and the whole picture will become clearer in time.  If you resist, it will be harder to allow the details to arise from your subconscious.

Life-changing visions of past lives might not be a common thing in your healing process, but that’s still okay: sometimes healing can be so intense that the energy just rushes through us quickly, so quickly that we can’t keep pace with it with our own stream of conscious thought.  Other times, what is being healed is very traumatic, and we’re being spared further pain, confusion, and/or fear by having to re-witness it in the now, without being aware of its complete (past-life) context.  In these cases, we will often either repress the visions/dreams, OR, if there’s some kernel of information within them that is important for us to observe (so we can overcome an old, unhelpful pattern), then the information about the past life might come through in a watered-down, symbolic way.

Another example:  shortly after I first REALLY connected with one of my soulmates and recognized him as such, I developed this terrible, nagging anxiety that I would never see him again.  It was entirely irrational, and I felt stupid for it.  I’m not a clingy person, but I was always scared that he was going to disappear… and (here was the really stupid part) die.  Right around this period, I also started having recurring nightmares that he disappeared.  But what was weird was that, in all of these nightmares wherein he was missing and I was mourning his disappearance — there was a war going on.  Those details were always consistent:  there’s a war.  He disappears.  Nobody wants to talk about his disappearance, and yet nobody seems surprised that it’s happened.

The nightmares weren’t particularly graphic, but they always filled me with an enormous amount of anxiety.  I would wake up from them panicked about him, and I’d remain panicked about him for weeks thereafter.  The dreams were sort of “random.”  With very few exceptions, nothing within them looked out of place, gave the impression of being in another place or another time.

It wasn’t until he called me one morning, totally unaware that I had just had a vivid dream set during WWII, that I stopped seeing the nightmares about his mysterious disappearance as so “random.”  Because on that day, within the first thirty seconds of what was our first phone call ever — without my prompting — he just casually mentioned that he’d recently gone to a Holocaust museum.

"I don’t know why," he told me, "but I used to research the Holocaust a lot when I was younger.  I was just always very compelled by it."

Suddenly, I knew why I kept having nightmares about him disappearing during a war.  And spending weeks at a time filled with fear and sadness at the thought that (for no good reason) I’d never see him again.

This is how the universe may help you out with recall as well:  it may give you a vague impression of what happened, or a symbolic impression of what happened (e.g., recurring nightmares of a friend’s disappearance) while you’re working through a larger pattern (e.g., an imbalanced attachment to that individual).  It will do this to help give you clues as to where your irrational or unhealthy patterns might be coming from.  And it will deliver some unmistakeable “confirmation” when and if you really need that.

My point is, past-life recall isn’t always clear.  It’s often symbolic, if not wholly (repressed in the) subconscious, even while we are very much working through it.  This still doesn’t mean that healing isn’t happening though.  If you “allow” the impressions to come, they will generally have more “space” to come through your filters.  Allowing means not judging the information or any of the people involved.  This means approaching them with a detached curiosity and letting the pieces fall into place.  You will sometimes learn of events out of order.  It’s like collecting puzzle pieces and putting them all on a box for now, just accepting the fact that the puzzle can’t be completed yet.  And that that that’s okay and does not reflect any deficiency of your own!

Remember though that past-life exploration is a tool more than a source of entertainment.  Your soul incarnated now, as you, because it wanted to be incarnate now, as “you.”  All those other lifetimes are going on simultaneously, yes, but your life experience reflects the particular focus of consciousness on THIS time, THIS place, THIS person, THIS set of circumstances that you are experiencing as a (current-life) “self.”

Therefore, when you are going to try exploring previous incarnations, again, it helps to do this with intent.  Healing, loving intent.  ”Show me what I need to know” or “Reveal to me what would help me to overcome (X,Y, or Z)” — these kinds of requests will help you.  "Playing" in the realm of past-life regression just because it feels "cool" will likely have far less powerful benefits for you than excavating your soul’s past with the intention of digging out old gifts, old lessons, casting off old chains, healing old wounds — things that can help you be the fullest you in the now.

If you wake up or emerge from a meditation not remembering, sometimes that’s for the best; there are things you don’t want to see again.  Other times, it’s our fear or resistance itself that prevents the images from being clear.  Either way, you can trust your soul to be showing you only what you ought to be expected to handle at this moment in time.  And you can trust that, what you are shown, is something your soul can handle.

Remember that some of the information will be symbolic or watered-down.  This information is no less valuable and no less valid.

And finally, feel free to ask the universe to send synchronistic clues or “confirmation.”  Quite often, the physical world is easier for us to grasp and feels less intimidating than the world of pure Spirit (while we’re incarnate, that is).  So this might be a fruitful avenue of inviting your soul to communicate with you as well.

I hope these explanations and examples have helped some!

Sending infinite love and light.  :)

nutmeg!  and pumpkin!  also love  <3

(Source: airwick.us)

Went out for the first time tonight with a German friend. His English is great, but since I don’t speak German at all, he needs to rely on an electronic translator when there’s a word he’s not sure how to explain. Tonight, a word came to his mind in German that he didn’t know how to say in English. He looked it up. It was the first word he looked up that he showed me. What was it?


I just sort of stared, remembering last night’s dream. I wonder why this word, of all words, would be shown to me. Maybe I’ll be having a baptism of sorts. Maybe I am right now.

Meanwhile, when I went to use the restroom at the bar where we were hanging out, I was surprised to see a gigantic painting of Charlie Chaplin. I’ve seen one or two reminders of Charlie Chaplin just earlier this week as well. Every time I do, I think of Soulmate; Charlie Chaplin is sort of his calling card. I can feel his love with me.

Something’s brewing…


Trauma. It can be an accident, war, witnessing a crime, a natural disaster, being a victim of crime, a rape, an assault or any other event which causes great physical or emotional injury. When we go through a traumatic experience our natural reaction is first a sense of unreality “it was like I…

lafillebizarre — that’s awesome!  I’d never tried it until last year in China, but it’s amazing!!!

While I was still living in Shanghai, one of my friends introduced me to this German chocolate.  I loved it.  SO much that, on my most impoverished Christmas ever (last Christmas), while I cat-sat in an otherwise-empty apartment, thousands of miles from and missing my family, I bought a bar of Ritter with hazelnuts as one of my big “splurges,” just so I could have something that tasted like “holiday.”  (It cost probably the equivalent of $3.50 USD in Shanghai.  Yes.  This was a splurge.)  This simple bar of chocolate was a sweet comfort for me, a glorious indulgence, at a challenging time.

The problem:  I now live in Germany.  Ritter is everywhere.  It’s even cheaper than it was in Shanghai.  And I know I love it.  So I am buying it.  Too often.  I have bought three bars of it since I arrived here (not even three weeks ago).  I’ve eaten MORE than one full bar within the past 24 hours.

AAAAAND, at this time of year, there are holiday-inspired flavors, like hazelnut with coffee cream, or candied almond, or vanilla cookie crunch.  And these are delicious.

(Look how many varieties there are!!!)

My life would’ve been so different if he’d never introduced me to this stuff.  Why, why did he have to do this to me?